1. are you tired? if yes, go to question 2. if no, go to question 3.
2. are you tired in a way that you want to listen to Tom Waits and drink rum alone? if yes, question 4. if no, question 5.
3. OK. lets get one thing straight. are you The Fonz right now now or are you The Last Four Belle & Sebastian Albums kind-of-wanting-to-go-out? Fonz, go to 6. Belle & Sebastian, go to 5.
4. do you have anyone you can booty call? if yes, go to 6. if no, go to 7.
5. you are clearly destined to go out tonight, but perhaps not to a conventional ”bar”. do you have any friends you can call up and drink at somebodies house and wax existencially about “problems” and “issues”? if yes, go to 6. if no, go to 8.
6. the whole point of “going out”, lets face it, is to get laid, somehow. you could hang out with your friends and drink ANYWHERE. call up that guy or girl, dust off the bottle of wine or Jameson, and an old Chuck Berry LP. i can guarantee that by the end of side 2 of that record you will at least have felt the good half of a tittie (or ball, depending). does this not sound appealing? go to 10.
7. nobody you can booty call? really? in this day and age? what are you, Ted Kazinsky? if yes, go to 9. if no, go to 8.
8. i say hit the bar anyway. fuck it. the worst that could happen is that you end up alone and drunk with a parking ticket, which is infinitely better than eating pork and beans with a knife in your studio apartment, alone, while simultaneously masturbating, taking resin hits, and eating corn chips. if you STILL do not want to go to the bar, go to 10.
9. you are a serial killer.
10. you are a sexless Smurf.
What can I possibly add to this? Stop reading me, go back and read Ned’s chart again.
In the wake of President Obama’s election, the traditional Republican advantage on national security issues has evaporated. Asked May 10-12 which party is better at handling “national security,” 43 percent of respondents said Republican and 41 percent said Democratic — a statistical tie.
That contrasts with the 14-point advantage (49 percent to 35 percent) that Republicans held last August in a Greenberg-Rosner poll, and the 29-point edge (54 percent to 25 percent) that they held six months after the U.S. invasion of Iraq.
Moreover, the latest survey indicates that Democrats now hold sizable leads over Republicans on several components of national security, such as diplomacy. Asked which party is superior at “improving global respect for America,” respondents gave Democrats a whopping 36-point edge. On “working with our allies around the world,” Democrats ended up with a 27-point margin.
you know what would improve my perception of democratic ability to protect national security? a democratic commitment to stop firing able and willing military personnel solely due to their sexual orientation.
“Do you want to know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can’t savor all the… little emotions. In… you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way, I know your friends better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?”—