1. are you tired? if yes, go to question 2. if no, go to question 3.
2. are you tired in a way that you want to listen to Tom Waits and drink rum alone? if yes, question 4. if no, question 5.
3. OK. lets get one thing straight. are you The Fonz right now now or are you The Last Four Belle & Sebastian Albums kind-of-wanting-to-go-out? Fonz, go to 6. Belle & Sebastian, go to 5.
4. do you have anyone you can booty call? if yes, go to 6. if no, go to 7.
5. you are clearly destined to go out tonight, but perhaps not to a conventional ”bar”. do you have any friends you can call up and drink at somebodies house and wax existencially about “problems” and “issues”? if yes, go to 6. if no, go to 8.
6. the whole point of “going out”, lets face it, is to get laid, somehow. you could hang out with your friends and drink ANYWHERE. call up that guy or girl, dust off the bottle of wine or Jameson, and an old Chuck Berry LP. i can guarantee that by the end of side 2 of that record you will at least have felt the good half of a tittie (or ball, depending). does this not sound appealing? go to 10.
7. nobody you can booty call? really? in this day and age? what are you, Ted Kazinsky? if yes, go to 9. if no, go to 8.
8. i say hit the bar anyway. fuck it. the worst that could happen is that you end up alone and drunk with a parking ticket, which is infinitely better than eating pork and beans with a knife in your studio apartment, alone, while simultaneously masturbating, taking resin hits, and eating corn chips. if you STILL do not want to go to the bar, go to 10.
9. you are a serial killer.
10. you are a sexless Smurf.
What can I possibly add to this? Stop reading me, go back and read Ned’s chart again.